There are many stupid mistakes that I made and I'm still on the verge on trying to bounce back from those mistakes, but, I realized it is difficult trying to correct things. My status right now: a failure. I think I have failed my parents, my family, and especially, myself. If only I didn't immediately resign from my job in a tertiary hospital, I'd still be able to help my parents financially. What a stupid mistake I made! I thought I would have the visa I am yearning for. If only I used my logic! I have been patient all along these months, and still, nothing happens. Out of more than 15 jobs I applied for, nothing happened. I'm hating my life, I'm hating myself, I even blurted things to my Mom the word a sensible person shouldn't use. Stupid, insensitive me! If only I could turn back the time.
Last night was a very bad night. I was thinking of things I shouldn't think of. I even blamed God (again) for what's happening in my life. I know it sounds unfair. I don't seem to learn from my lessons before. But this morning, when I was in the church with my family, I think the Gospel was being directed to me: It's about loving one another as He has loved us and that Jesus has chosen me to bring forth good fruit. Even the Homily talks about sacrificing oneself to others. Then, at that moment, I realized it is not really about me. I was being too selfish. When I looked at my mom who sat beside me, she also looked at me with warmth in her eyes and smile in her face. She didn't say any words or blame me for where I am now. What have I done? Why am I being like this? She sacrificed her whole life just to be a good mother. I love my mom, I don't want to disappoint her.
Oh, dear. Time to make a reflection again.